Two posts in one night... I am gonna drive everyone as crazy as me!

Recently I started doubting my desire to have children. I read an article by the now infamous bloggess that she had posted for her parenting column on one site. After reading her musings about the controversial subject I went down to the INSANE amount of comments. It was then when I realized that my decision to have children was going to be a daily battle. It seems that EVERYTHING surrounding children, from where you have them, when you have them, how you have them, to what you feed them, how you dress them, vaccinations, medical care in general, to where you live, what you drive, what you say... is a constant debate. Everyone knows how to raise your children better than you. I started dreading the day I found out I was pregnant and having to tell people and listen to them tell me things like "you are a horrible mother if you don't breast feed, your child will grow up to be a serial killer", "If you vaccinate your children you are trying to kill them", "circumcising your child will make him sterile, have E.D. and hate you, its HIS choice not yours", "having your child in a birthing center is the only way, if you have your child in a hospital they will kill your baby." OMG PEOPLE!!! Seriously. You need to get a life. Worry about your own kids! Stop telling everyone else how to raise theirs! I mean come on. If I lose a friend because I choose to not breast feed for my own mental health issues.... guess what? they were never really a friend to begin with! If decide to vaccinate my child against some of the worst diseases known to mankind that are still a threat... its MY CHOICE. What really aggravated me was the people screaming about kids choices. I noticed that most of these people had lovingly named their kids things like Thor, Starshine, Apple, - (pronounced DASH). If you believe in your kids choices so strongly, stop naming them ridiculous names and call them boy or girl until they are adults and then pay for them to pick their own name. Because after all.... ITS THEIR CHOICE!

After my initial fury and frustration about all this died down I realized you know what... FUCK them. We will raise Our kids the way We see fit. We will make the choices We believe are best for the child and if anyone has a problem with it they can sit on it and rotate. I have no desire to be in this "war" that people are creating about raising children. I have dealt with enough war being an army wife. We are going to raise our kid with good values and strong sense of self. And WE will choose what is best for OUR family. I am not going to let these selfish bitches with too much time on their hands rob me of what I have always wanted! Everyone has always told me I would be a good mom. I truly believe I will be one day (hopefully! still hasn't happened yet but we will see). However, I doubt that our child is ever going to be the most popular. Because I refuse to raise them with the belief that they have to look out for number one first. That even if it means stepping on someone else they have to get ahead. I refuse to let them think that the only way to get what you want in life is use people, bully people, and be underhanded. Life is going to be hard for our children. I don't doubt that. Especially with the fact that my husband and I value time together more than we value money. We don't need a huge mansion or tropical vacations every year. We don't need the latest gadgets (although occasionally we want them!). We need each other. We need the love and strength that we get from sharing our lives and being together.

I think that's a huge issue facing the world today. Everyone is so busy chasing the elusive dollar, putting off relationships for "later" that they lose those relationships. What happened to being happy together? To spending time talking and playing and sharing? What happened to the idea that children are a product of the marriage and just because you have children does not mean you stop working on the marriage? In my view my kids will be so much to me. However I have waited for 31 years to start trying for kids because I wanted to be with a man that wasn't going to push me aside and that I wasn't going to push aside for children. We will still have date night (yes that means our child will be with a babysitter GOD FORBID!!! I know its a horrible thing!!) We will still celebrate OUR relationship that is separate from our children.

I know some of you out there believe I have no idea what it will be like to be a mother and that my children will consume my life. But I believe that we make a decision to let that happen. I believe my husband and I can have children without sacrificing our strong, happy marriage. I guess we will see wont we...

I'm Tired....

I'm tired. The type of tired that going to bed doesnt help. The type of tired that when I lay down all I want to do is get back up and work on the house, or finish my to do list. The type of tired that when I have time to do stuff, I dont have the energy. Living this new life is harder than I ever imagined and I have never felt so alone. I work so hard on trying to find the positive and sometimes it feels like its not there.

I wish that I could be the happy cheerful glass half full person that I feel like I am supposed to be. But right now that person keeps eluding me. I wonder what is so wrong with me that I cant seem to make and keep friends. What do I do so wrong? Is it that I am too friendly? Is it that I like doing things and being there for my friends? Is it that my life is just too complicated and people dont know what to say? I miss having girl friends. I miss being able to go out to lunch or dinner. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. I miss being able to share good news and laugh. I miss leaning on each other.