As its well known, my life, our lives (my husband and mine) have been rather stressful lately. I have thought I was handling it in stride, taking on the world and taking no prisoners, holding my head up high. But I guess all of that was just a distraction letting the depression sneak up on me. I have struggled with depression for most of my life and I realize how easy it is to sink into a depression cycle. I get down, I don't feel like doing things, so I don't do them, then I feel bad about not doing them, then I feel bad about feeling bad, then I just keep feeling worse until I either pull myself out of it or I sink into paralysis waiting for a lifeline. Usually my husband is amazing at pulling me out of my funks, but lately I cant ask him to do that. He has way too much on his plate to have to deal with me being down. So I have tried to hide it from him. I try to hide my bad days and that just made them worse.
Depression can be like a warm comfortable bed. You don't want to get out of it in the morning even when you have things that you have to do. Depression tells you "Hey you don't need to clean the house, its not like you are going to have company or anything, just let it slide. Do something mind numbing instead and hide from the world. Get comfortable cause you are going to feel like this for a LONG time." Then you hear this sinister laugh and get a little scared. But its not true. Depression isn't in charge. I am. So as it stands now I am giving my depression an eviction notice. It can leave on its own or I am kicking it out. I am starting tomorrow to get my life back on track, my house back on track, my mind back on track. I am not going to let my depression win this one. I may be tired but today I am going to tackle a job I have been putting off for a long time. I am going to grab the boxes of paperwork I have let pile up and start scanning and shredding them. I am going to get a filing cabinet this weekend so that all the paperwork I need to keep originals of will have a "home." But today I am breaking out the scanner, shredder and papers and I am going to start taking back my time and my house. Today I am breaking the cycle. I am doing it for me, I am doing it for my husband, I am doing it for us. I deserve to be happy. Everyone does. So its time that I find my happiness again. Paperwork... here I come!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Healthcare frustrations...
UGH I hate picking a doctor. I hate staring at a list of people for hours on end. I hate trying to calculate if the doctor is close enough for me to see. I hate the way Tricare makes me CHANGE my primary care doctor before I can go see a new doctor. How do I know if I want them to be in charge of my care until I meet them??? I mean really? I think that we should start interviewing the people we are putting our in charge of our lives. We should meet them, see if we trust them. I have been stuck several times with doctors I hate because changing is such a pain in my ass. *sigh* Ok I feel better. I just needed to vent.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
10,000 pound weight finally lifted!!!
So today we finally had our 10,000 pound weight lifted off our shoulders. We finally have an accurate diagnosis and care plan for my husband's injury! Its been such a difficult few months but after spending a few hours with a new doctor who was VERY thorough, we both realized on the ride home that it had to happen this way. A large chain of events had to come to fruition for us to both be able to see and accept the diagnosis. I am so relieved. Even with the sleep deprivation from getting home so late and the mild headache I have I feel like I am flying! Glad to have one chapter finally shut and looking forward to what the future holds! YAY!!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Date Jars
This might be a bit swirly (considering I am a swirly thinker, comes with adhd) but I promise I have a point so hang in there with me.
I love Christmas. When I was a kid, I loved seeing what was beneath all that colorful paper and bows! But now that I am an adult, I love seeing the people I love light up when they open something I got them that I put a lot of thought into. I love seeing the innocent excitement that comes over their faces, where you can tell they feel like when we were kids and someone gave us a nickle and we thought they gave us the world. I also love the lights, the crisp chill in the air, the cocoa, and the feeling of excitement and hope.
That being said, now that Christmas is over, I am a little relieved and glad (I hate crowded shopping areas) but I am also a little sad. I miss the expectation and hope. I miss the joyful singing and cheer. I miss the excitement at seeing people peek at the gifts under the tree. So I started thinking of how my husband and I could bring that into our lives more. I came up with the idea of Date Jars.
It started as a simple idea. We would have at least two date nights a month. One that he planned around me, and one that I planned around him. We wouldn't tell the other one what was planned (unless necessary for whatever reason) but hints were fine. I was getting excited just thinking about it! Then I realized that there was a chance that the ideas could run out in a few months. I know I have struggled with gift ideas before, so why wouldn't date ideas be the same. So I started thinking... how could we let each other know what we wanted to do, while still letting there be a surprise and mystery to it. Then the Idea Fairy came down and hit me with her good idea stick. What if we had a place to put all our great ideas? Every time we think of something we want to do or share with the other one, or somewhere we want them to take us, we write it down and stick it in our jar. Then (lets say its my turn to plan the date for him) a few days before the date, I take down his jar, look at all the wonderful ideas, and pick a few out for the date! If I have an idea of what I want to do for him, I don't have to use the Jar, but if I am struggling, its there to help me out. I am going to be home in a few days and plan on actually using my craft stuff to decorate our Jars. I will post pictures when they are finished.
I thought this idea was too good to keep to myself. So there you are world. You are welcome.
I love Christmas. When I was a kid, I loved seeing what was beneath all that colorful paper and bows! But now that I am an adult, I love seeing the people I love light up when they open something I got them that I put a lot of thought into. I love seeing the innocent excitement that comes over their faces, where you can tell they feel like when we were kids and someone gave us a nickle and we thought they gave us the world. I also love the lights, the crisp chill in the air, the cocoa, and the feeling of excitement and hope.
That being said, now that Christmas is over, I am a little relieved and glad (I hate crowded shopping areas) but I am also a little sad. I miss the expectation and hope. I miss the joyful singing and cheer. I miss the excitement at seeing people peek at the gifts under the tree. So I started thinking of how my husband and I could bring that into our lives more. I came up with the idea of Date Jars.
It started as a simple idea. We would have at least two date nights a month. One that he planned around me, and one that I planned around him. We wouldn't tell the other one what was planned (unless necessary for whatever reason) but hints were fine. I was getting excited just thinking about it! Then I realized that there was a chance that the ideas could run out in a few months. I know I have struggled with gift ideas before, so why wouldn't date ideas be the same. So I started thinking... how could we let each other know what we wanted to do, while still letting there be a surprise and mystery to it. Then the Idea Fairy came down and hit me with her good idea stick. What if we had a place to put all our great ideas? Every time we think of something we want to do or share with the other one, or somewhere we want them to take us, we write it down and stick it in our jar. Then (lets say its my turn to plan the date for him) a few days before the date, I take down his jar, look at all the wonderful ideas, and pick a few out for the date! If I have an idea of what I want to do for him, I don't have to use the Jar, but if I am struggling, its there to help me out. I am going to be home in a few days and plan on actually using my craft stuff to decorate our Jars. I will post pictures when they are finished.
I thought this idea was too good to keep to myself. So there you are world. You are welcome.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Year
As we start to enter a brand new year I wanted to say a few words of wisdom and encouragement, as much for my few readers as for myself. I need to remember these things as much as anyone these days.
Remember the bad, but don't harp on it or let it bring you down. I know this seems like an odd thing and against what most people say (i.e. Forget the bad, remember the good), but hard times and bad times are what brings growth in our lives. We need adversity in order to overcome it.
Remember the good times, but don't always yearn for their return. We cant go backwards and spending too much time harping on how things used to be will only serve to drive us crazy and miss the new potential good times.
Help each other. We have all been in a place where we needed help, whether we asked for it or not. Usually the people who will refuse to ask for help, need it the most. Be observant and help when you can within your means.
Don't forget about you! It is impossible to take care of each other when our own needs aren't met. We all need time to recharge our batteries. Get a massage, go out to dinner, go shopping, go out with friends, whatever makes you feel like YOU again.
Don't stay mad. This is a hard one for me. When my feelings get hurt I tend to hold a grudge. I don't want to let go of it. But anger hurts us more than it does the person we are angry at.
Let love decide what you say. Do not speak out of anger or hurt. Words can be hurtful and while the scars they leave my be invisible, they hurt just as much. Its better to walk away from a fight than to say something you will later regret.
(This one is for my amazing hubby) Any good day is a day that you learn something and accomplish something. Strive to see every day what you have learned and accomplish. This sometimes means celebrating small accomplishments but thats ok!! Sometimes we need to be reminded that small hills are still hills.
I hope everyone has an amazing New Year. Every day is a new beginning. The first step is always the hardest, but once you get moving, no one can stop you! :)
Remember the bad, but don't harp on it or let it bring you down. I know this seems like an odd thing and against what most people say (i.e. Forget the bad, remember the good), but hard times and bad times are what brings growth in our lives. We need adversity in order to overcome it.
Remember the good times, but don't always yearn for their return. We cant go backwards and spending too much time harping on how things used to be will only serve to drive us crazy and miss the new potential good times.
Help each other. We have all been in a place where we needed help, whether we asked for it or not. Usually the people who will refuse to ask for help, need it the most. Be observant and help when you can within your means.
Don't forget about you! It is impossible to take care of each other when our own needs aren't met. We all need time to recharge our batteries. Get a massage, go out to dinner, go shopping, go out with friends, whatever makes you feel like YOU again.
Don't stay mad. This is a hard one for me. When my feelings get hurt I tend to hold a grudge. I don't want to let go of it. But anger hurts us more than it does the person we are angry at.
Let love decide what you say. Do not speak out of anger or hurt. Words can be hurtful and while the scars they leave my be invisible, they hurt just as much. Its better to walk away from a fight than to say something you will later regret.
(This one is for my amazing hubby) Any good day is a day that you learn something and accomplish something. Strive to see every day what you have learned and accomplish. This sometimes means celebrating small accomplishments but thats ok!! Sometimes we need to be reminded that small hills are still hills.
I hope everyone has an amazing New Year. Every day is a new beginning. The first step is always the hardest, but once you get moving, no one can stop you! :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
adventures, family, and knowing your limits...
This past week has been quite an adventure. I decided to leave early for our annual Thanksgiving with my parents so that my mom and I could spend some time together. I drove down to my parents and picked up my mom. Then we went for a little trip to Weatherford, TX to spend a little mini vaca away from responsibilities. Doesn't sound very grown up but it was AWESOME!!! We spent three days just relaxing and playing computer games, watching TV and reading. I kept thinking this is what heaven must be like.
But that was just the beginning. while we were there I remembered one of my best friends from high school lived in Ft Worth now and so I shot her an email and we agreed to meet up for lunch the day that we were heading out. It was amazing. After WAY too many years to admit, it was like no time had passed. That's when I remembered, oh yeah... she was a military brat. I have found that Military friendships have been the strongest for me. Because you get so used to moving and people in and out, that you make these tight, flexible bonds that can last a lifetime. These are the people you can call at 3 am when your world is falling apart and they are so glad you called, and would be mad at you if you didn't. These are the people who don't get upset when they don't hear from you, but are so excited when they do. They realize that true friends don't have to talk everyday, every week, every month or even for years. They realize true friends never hang up, they just stay on hold for long periods of time. I felt like a kid again (but in the good ways not the bad lol). I truly cherish my friendship with her and I hope she is always a part of my life (and maybe one day we live closer to each other!!)
I spent a lot of the time we were at the hotel and I was vegging out, thinking about the things going on in my life right now. I thought about the trials and the tribulations, the joys and the celebrations. I realize I am more blessed than I usually think, because all of those trials have had silver linings. If you know me, you know, I am not the type of person to always be able to see the bright side. Hell half the time I cant see the forest for the trees. However, the escape from current stressors let me take in all I have to be grateful for and celebrate this Thanksgiving. I am truly blessed. I think that's what happens when you get too overwhelmed. You become so nearsighted you fail to see the bigger picture and all that is real and good in your life. I will always cherish what I learned this past week.
I also learned I need to set boundaries. I need to set them for myself and for everyone else in my life. I need to be able to say "no." That has never been easy for me. I am a people pleaser and there are VERY few things in life that bring me more joy than giving and helping others. However, this often leaves me feeling drained, and well, overwhelmed. I often forget that I need to take time out and take care of me. My husband does a stellar job spoiling and taking care of me. But there are some things he cant do, only I can. So its time I start doing for me as much as I do for others. Its time I learn how to say "no." I know, sad that it took me 31 years to get here, but better late than never.
Lesson of the week: Yes Thanksgiving is approaching fast, and hopefully we all take time out of our busy lives to be Thankful for all we have and cherish the ones dear to us. But also remember during this time to take a step back and take care of ourselves. When we don't, we have less to give to others. We cant give our all when we have nothing left to give. =) Try to think of something to be thankful for everyday, not just one day a year. =)
TTFN
But that was just the beginning. while we were there I remembered one of my best friends from high school lived in Ft Worth now and so I shot her an email and we agreed to meet up for lunch the day that we were heading out. It was amazing. After WAY too many years to admit, it was like no time had passed. That's when I remembered, oh yeah... she was a military brat. I have found that Military friendships have been the strongest for me. Because you get so used to moving and people in and out, that you make these tight, flexible bonds that can last a lifetime. These are the people you can call at 3 am when your world is falling apart and they are so glad you called, and would be mad at you if you didn't. These are the people who don't get upset when they don't hear from you, but are so excited when they do. They realize that true friends don't have to talk everyday, every week, every month or even for years. They realize true friends never hang up, they just stay on hold for long periods of time. I felt like a kid again (but in the good ways not the bad lol). I truly cherish my friendship with her and I hope she is always a part of my life (and maybe one day we live closer to each other!!)
I spent a lot of the time we were at the hotel and I was vegging out, thinking about the things going on in my life right now. I thought about the trials and the tribulations, the joys and the celebrations. I realize I am more blessed than I usually think, because all of those trials have had silver linings. If you know me, you know, I am not the type of person to always be able to see the bright side. Hell half the time I cant see the forest for the trees. However, the escape from current stressors let me take in all I have to be grateful for and celebrate this Thanksgiving. I am truly blessed. I think that's what happens when you get too overwhelmed. You become so nearsighted you fail to see the bigger picture and all that is real and good in your life. I will always cherish what I learned this past week.
I also learned I need to set boundaries. I need to set them for myself and for everyone else in my life. I need to be able to say "no." That has never been easy for me. I am a people pleaser and there are VERY few things in life that bring me more joy than giving and helping others. However, this often leaves me feeling drained, and well, overwhelmed. I often forget that I need to take time out and take care of me. My husband does a stellar job spoiling and taking care of me. But there are some things he cant do, only I can. So its time I start doing for me as much as I do for others. Its time I learn how to say "no." I know, sad that it took me 31 years to get here, but better late than never.
Lesson of the week: Yes Thanksgiving is approaching fast, and hopefully we all take time out of our busy lives to be Thankful for all we have and cherish the ones dear to us. But also remember during this time to take a step back and take care of ourselves. When we don't, we have less to give to others. We cant give our all when we have nothing left to give. =) Try to think of something to be thankful for everyday, not just one day a year. =)
TTFN
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Two posts in one night... I am gonna drive everyone as crazy as me!
Recently I started doubting my desire to have children. I read an article by the now infamous bloggess that she had posted for her parenting column on one site. After reading her musings about the controversial subject I went down to the INSANE amount of comments. It was then when I realized that my decision to have children was going to be a daily battle. It seems that EVERYTHING surrounding children, from where you have them, when you have them, how you have them, to what you feed them, how you dress them, vaccinations, medical care in general, to where you live, what you drive, what you say... is a constant debate. Everyone knows how to raise your children better than you. I started dreading the day I found out I was pregnant and having to tell people and listen to them tell me things like "you are a horrible mother if you don't breast feed, your child will grow up to be a serial killer", "If you vaccinate your children you are trying to kill them", "circumcising your child will make him sterile, have E.D. and hate you, its HIS choice not yours", "having your child in a birthing center is the only way, if you have your child in a hospital they will kill your baby." OMG PEOPLE!!! Seriously. You need to get a life. Worry about your own kids! Stop telling everyone else how to raise theirs! I mean come on. If I lose a friend because I choose to not breast feed for my own mental health issues.... guess what? they were never really a friend to begin with! If decide to vaccinate my child against some of the worst diseases known to mankind that are still a threat... its MY CHOICE. What really aggravated me was the people screaming about kids choices. I noticed that most of these people had lovingly named their kids things like Thor, Starshine, Apple, - (pronounced DASH). If you believe in your kids choices so strongly, stop naming them ridiculous names and call them boy or girl until they are adults and then pay for them to pick their own name. Because after all.... ITS THEIR CHOICE!
After my initial fury and frustration about all this died down I realized you know what... FUCK them. We will raise Our kids the way We see fit. We will make the choices We believe are best for the child and if anyone has a problem with it they can sit on it and rotate. I have no desire to be in this "war" that people are creating about raising children. I have dealt with enough war being an army wife. We are going to raise our kid with good values and strong sense of self. And WE will choose what is best for OUR family. I am not going to let these selfish bitches with too much time on their hands rob me of what I have always wanted! Everyone has always told me I would be a good mom. I truly believe I will be one day (hopefully! still hasn't happened yet but we will see). However, I doubt that our child is ever going to be the most popular. Because I refuse to raise them with the belief that they have to look out for number one first. That even if it means stepping on someone else they have to get ahead. I refuse to let them think that the only way to get what you want in life is use people, bully people, and be underhanded. Life is going to be hard for our children. I don't doubt that. Especially with the fact that my husband and I value time together more than we value money. We don't need a huge mansion or tropical vacations every year. We don't need the latest gadgets (although occasionally we want them!). We need each other. We need the love and strength that we get from sharing our lives and being together.
I think that's a huge issue facing the world today. Everyone is so busy chasing the elusive dollar, putting off relationships for "later" that they lose those relationships. What happened to being happy together? To spending time talking and playing and sharing? What happened to the idea that children are a product of the marriage and just because you have children does not mean you stop working on the marriage? In my view my kids will be so much to me. However I have waited for 31 years to start trying for kids because I wanted to be with a man that wasn't going to push me aside and that I wasn't going to push aside for children. We will still have date night (yes that means our child will be with a babysitter GOD FORBID!!! I know its a horrible thing!!) We will still celebrate OUR relationship that is separate from our children.
I know some of you out there believe I have no idea what it will be like to be a mother and that my children will consume my life. But I believe that we make a decision to let that happen. I believe my husband and I can have children without sacrificing our strong, happy marriage. I guess we will see wont we...
After my initial fury and frustration about all this died down I realized you know what... FUCK them. We will raise Our kids the way We see fit. We will make the choices We believe are best for the child and if anyone has a problem with it they can sit on it and rotate. I have no desire to be in this "war" that people are creating about raising children. I have dealt with enough war being an army wife. We are going to raise our kid with good values and strong sense of self. And WE will choose what is best for OUR family. I am not going to let these selfish bitches with too much time on their hands rob me of what I have always wanted! Everyone has always told me I would be a good mom. I truly believe I will be one day (hopefully! still hasn't happened yet but we will see). However, I doubt that our child is ever going to be the most popular. Because I refuse to raise them with the belief that they have to look out for number one first. That even if it means stepping on someone else they have to get ahead. I refuse to let them think that the only way to get what you want in life is use people, bully people, and be underhanded. Life is going to be hard for our children. I don't doubt that. Especially with the fact that my husband and I value time together more than we value money. We don't need a huge mansion or tropical vacations every year. We don't need the latest gadgets (although occasionally we want them!). We need each other. We need the love and strength that we get from sharing our lives and being together.
I think that's a huge issue facing the world today. Everyone is so busy chasing the elusive dollar, putting off relationships for "later" that they lose those relationships. What happened to being happy together? To spending time talking and playing and sharing? What happened to the idea that children are a product of the marriage and just because you have children does not mean you stop working on the marriage? In my view my kids will be so much to me. However I have waited for 31 years to start trying for kids because I wanted to be with a man that wasn't going to push me aside and that I wasn't going to push aside for children. We will still have date night (yes that means our child will be with a babysitter GOD FORBID!!! I know its a horrible thing!!) We will still celebrate OUR relationship that is separate from our children.
I know some of you out there believe I have no idea what it will be like to be a mother and that my children will consume my life. But I believe that we make a decision to let that happen. I believe my husband and I can have children without sacrificing our strong, happy marriage. I guess we will see wont we...
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